The Cowardly Idealist

I found out that the National Arts Council has cut funding to TheatreWorks, yet again. It makes me feel sick that my country could afford to give grants – if they can afford to build everything they’ve built in the last few years – and they find it necessary to cut it to one of the oldest and most renowned of all the arts organisations in Singapore. Half an hour ago, I hated the civil service. Half an hour ago, I said this:

  • i just need to say
  • i feel like. i feel like this makes me afraid that i won’t be able to do anything to remedy the situation in future. i feel at a complete loss and i want to be able to do something but i just feel so helpless and i don’t know how i would be able to manage it
  • i want to swoop down and make everything okay, like a mother would for a child. because i want things to be better
  • but i don’t know how – i don’t know if it’ll ever be possible
  • i am not the radical, not the activist. i belong in an institution. but i want it to be okay to be radical, to be an activist. i want it to be able to coexist
  • i want to make a change. but i am afraid – that i will fail; that i will be too afraid to try
  • or that it will be impossible in singapore. but i don’t want to run away from my home

I am ashamed that I am now okay after a few sobs.

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