to put something into words is not always an act of conveyance of information to the reader, but also the clarification of emotion for the author. writing to understand instead of writing to show an understanding
here i am right now unable to do anything but try to understand what it is that i am feeling. nouns and adjectives bandied about – an inertia induced by depression? failure? chemicals? stress – being overwhelmed. what words can i say to describe exactly how i feel? if i cannot define what i feel, how am i to take control of it – how am i to defeat it?
the lack of motivation that comes from having too many things to do
loss – lost. lost but not in an infinite expanse. i feel like i am trapped, but i am lost. how can you be lost – implication of wandering – when you are trapped – implication of knowing exactly where you are, but not how to remove yourself from it? that’s how i feel right now.
when i had someone to latch these feelings onto, it was easier in a way. it was still a lot of “i don’t know”, but at least the object of my emotion was certain. i could be missing him, or hating him for something stupid and insensitive he did to me. now all i have is everything to which i can direct whatever this is that i am feeling. one thing to everything – i lose definition. i lose direction.
cannotmovecannotmovecannotmove. maybe i need to allow myself to not move. to ignore the fact that there are 10000000 things happening in my life that i need to deal with, to check off a list. this is not running away – or it is running away with the knowledge of returning tomorrow. it is blocking out. the suspension of atmosphere. i will only allow myself air to breathe.
which thing is it on this checklist – which thing is it that will give me air?